United States, 2005Cast: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, Emille de Ravin, Robert Culp
Director: David Steiman
My Rating: 1/2 / ****
“Joy to the World”, a rather famous Christmas song was playing as we see the house in a midst of a light snow-rain. We then joined a family about having dinner. A formal dinner with Turkey, and a guest. By seeing this sequence, we expect something funny about this movie. Plus, one of the cast of the family was a familiar face – and squeak – Fran Drescher, better known by her role at “The Nanny”. So indeed, after a joke or two being thrown, light preambule to the dinner being opened, and a pre-dinner pray being said, suddenly, the chimney rattles and “bump” we see a familiar grandpa with red overalls and oversized belly, oh my, it’s Santa. He’s real after all… Not! Even before the shock had passed, our Santa rolls on the table and literally nails both of the family’s father’s palm to the table with a pair of dining knife, he then sets the family’s mother’s head into fire, kick the guest’s until he flew backward and crashed the cupboard as he goes, throws a star ornament of a christmas tree to the back of one of the daughter, smack the aunt’s head with a table’s foot with nail portruding out of it, and made one of the other daughter fell into a furniture resulting in the girl’s neck penetrated by the furniture. He even throws the family’s dog into rotating fan.
As this is one of those movies that I watched before actually made any information-gathering regarding of what kind of movie it is, who was the actor / actress of this movie, and ultimately, what it is all about. So, my jaw dropped on the floor due to the opening sequence. Alas, more because of my surprise and the hillarity of the irony than the horror-ness or gore-ness of that scene.
Right, I guess that’s all I can say about this movie. It’s an obvious meaningless and pointless B-grade slasher horror flick. And the first 7 minutes were unfortunately the only watchable part of this movie – Aw, it was even a powerful introduction. The rest? Ah, boring is the best to describe it. I mean, after that fast-rate butchery on the first 7 minutes of course I would expect that some more bodies would get butchered, slaughtered, tortured, or whatever. But do I get it? A big NO. Even boring was giving it too kind of a review.
Not enough sympathy to the devil albeit, it was probably the best casting of this movie (Bill Goldberg as Evil Santa). Not enough reason for the devil to hunt our heroes, not enough blood to call it a would-be cult-classic, not enough slaughtering to call it a slasher-flick, not enough dramas nor characters to keep us hooked to fill the blanks whenever Bill Goldberg aka Evil Santa is out from the screen, even not enough jokes and ironies to call it a satyrical horror/comedy and the ultra-cheesy conclusion which almost made me puke. The half star (actually it was a little less than a quarter, but half-a-star was the lowest grade I could give to a movie which actually had its moment) I give would solely granted because of the first 7 minutes and Hulk Hogan-ish Evil Santa portrayed by Bill Goldberg.